


i am not there, i do not sleep

by rissalaroo



Series: kiss me once, kiss me twice [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: :(, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Last Kiss, Letters, M/M, but this is the sad ending i promised lol, can be read in tandem with my fic butterfly kisses or by itself, in case he wakes up, most of this is me rewriting molly's burial scene ngl, specifically caleb's letter to molly, technically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 04:49:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18308513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rissalaroo/pseuds/rissalaroo
Summary: His eyes are dry now, his tears having run dry. Maybe that’s for the best, though. Mollymauk nover once struck Caleb as the kind of man who would want to be cried over; he struck Caleb as a person who would want their memory to live on in the actions of others. Caleb raises his chin, staring at the coat as it sways in the wind. A lone raven flutters down, perching on the top, and it tilts his head at him curiously.





	i am not there, i do not sleep

**Author's Note:**

> here's the promised second part of my last fic, butterfly kisses! it can be read together or separately, whichever you prefer! anyways, enjoy the fic~

+2

Caleb blinks, and another tear tracing through the ever-present dirt and grime on his face. He opens his mouth to speak, but no words escape. He closes his mouth and lets his eyes wander around the faces of his companions. 

Nott looks murderous. The anger on her face is blatant, and her hands are gripped in fists at her sides. There are tiny, bleeding crescent moons carves into the palms of her hands from how hard her jagged nails dig in. She trembles with barely contained fury as she looks down at the sight in front of them, and kicks into the dust. 

Beauregard looks exhausted beyond her years, her topknot undone and her hair framing her face in unkempt strands. He’s never seen her with her hair down, and he thinks that he sees the beginnings of tears glistening in her eyes as she runs her hand through it. He’s never seen Beauregard cry, either. There are burn marks on her fingertips from lighting Lorenzo on fire; she doesn’t seem to notice them. She looks almost frail despite the muscles sculpting her bare upper arms.

Keg looks frozen with shock, a small trickle of dried blood still visible at the corner of her mouth. She stands, stoic, a slight distance away from the rest. Caleb sees a hint of regret and sadness in her eyes, along with what he thinks to be an expression of horror on her face. She’s seen things like this happen before; she’s no stranger to violence, and she was a recent companion. She will mourn quietly away from them, her grief not as strong or as close to the heart.

Caleb’s hands tremble as he looks out at his friends, brow furrowed as he takes in their faces. He can’t bring himself to look down once again, because then it’ll all become real again. The tremble spreads to his whole body, until it becomes a struggle to keep from collapsing onto the cold, hard dirt beneath his boots. 

It takes what seems like and eternity, but can only be a few moments, before he tilts his head down.

Molly looks oddly expressionless, in death. It doesn’t suit him, Caleb thinks. Or maybe he speaks it aloud, because Beauregard breaks her trance to nod, albeit shakily, in agreement with him. Mollymauk Tealeaf is- no, _was, _a person of life, of expression, of color. His ruby-red eyes are empty, without his usual spark. The gold and silver that adorn his horns seem dull, and the peacock tattoo gilding his neck looks too monotone.__

__Caleb can’t shake the feeling that this isn’t _right _. Nott echoes the statement aloud a moment later, her voice trembling harder than her small form.___ _

____His breath hitches, and he realizes that his cheeks are soaked with tears. Nott has moved close to him, clutching the side of his coat. Her tug, gentle even through her anger, is gentle, and helps ground him._ _ _ _

____Beauregard sinks to one knee at Molly’s side, and slips her fingers into one of his pockets. When she removes it and stands once more, there’s a deck of tarot cards grasped between her slim fingers. She tosses it angrily over at Caleb, almost carelessly. He barely catches it. Beau doesn’t even notice; she just looks over at Nott, who finally speaks._ _ _ _

____“You’re just going to pick his body off?” Nott bristles as she watches Beauregard._ _ _ _

____“I’m taking what his _dead body _isn’t using anymore,” Beau states coldly, placing emphasis on the words _dead body _. Nott nods, stiffly, accepting it._____ _ _ _

________Beauregard’s voice is quiet when she begins to speak. “Y’all remember when Molly said a, uh, a few weeks ago, when he told us that he left every town better than he left it?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Caleb can’t find the strength to nod and acknowledgement, but Beau continues anyway, her voice thick with tears._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“My first initial knee-jerk reaction was, ‘You fuckin’... narcissistic, arrogant bastard, no one can fucking know that!’” She pauses once more, sniffs angrily, and pushes forwards._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“He was an arrogant bastard, but he was right and _do you know how I know? _We had a conversation last night, when we were up for watch, and he asked me what my greatest lie was and we pulled _fuckin’ _cards for it. Loser would go first. And he told me this story about tricking a town into thinking he was royalty, being a king, to pull off a scam. And I was _almost _gonna tell him about my childhood, and then I didn’t. Because he told that fucking story and I realized, even in his scams, when he was doing something shitty, he was still making people feel good or feel special. The town was being visited by-- _graced _by his presence, his royal highness. And _I _told him this story of ruining a couple’s lives by extorting them because _I fucking could. _Because I fucking felt like it. So,” She sniffs again, barely holding onto what little control she has, “If I could deliberately leave a town shittier than I found it, _of course _he could fuckin’ leave a town better than he found it. And I’m not going to do that again. I’m not-- I’m not saying that, you know.”_______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________She hiccups, wiping tears from her eyes angrily with the back of her hand. “I’m not saying that I’m gonna go off and be a fuckin’ hero, but maybe we… maybe we can equal out, and I can at _least _not _fuck. Anymore. Shit. Up. _” She punctuates each word with a sharp hand gesture, her speech staccatoed and broken._____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Maybe… take baby steps towards the leaving-the-town-better thing. That’s the least I can do for him.” When she glares out at the rest of them, there are still tears dripping down her face and off of her chin, her blue eyes puffy and bloodshot. “And I’m gonna start with these _fuckheads _.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________Keg’s stoic facade crumbles a bit. Her guilt is evident as she lets out a quiet, “I’ll take you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________Beauregard only nods, and turns back to Mollymauk’s body. “Well, this asshole’s gonna fund his own resurrection campaign,” she states, though the insults lack any real bite or any of her usual spunk. “Anyways. Nott. Want a trinket to, uh, remember Molly by?” Her casual words are a jolting change of pace from her previous speech. Caleb feels Nott’s grip on his coat tighten, and then release. She takes a deep breath, and raises her head to look at Beau._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________“Molly said... not to steal from happy people. You should take everything you can, but- but I can’t steal from this one.” Her voice breaks in the middle, and Caleb’s heart shatters a little bit more when he realizes it isn’t anger in her voice but sadness. He picks up her tiny hand is his, and gives it a gentle squeeze before letting it go. He digs into his coat pocket, pulls out a clay caarving of a cat’s paw, and mumbles a few arcane words. A giant cat’s paw starts digging into the earth._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________He gently removes Molly’s coat, the intricate embroidery soft in his grasp. Tears drip from his face onto Mollymauk’s, and he wipes them off with a gentle thumb before pushing himself to his feet. He scans the area around them as Beauregard wraps the ornate Platinum Dragon tapestry around Molly’s limp form, and lowers him gently into the hole._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________Neither of them notice Keg quietly step back and avert her eyes, as Caleb pulls out paper and begins frantically scribbling._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________“Should we, uhm.” Nott’s voice is small, and she clears her throat quietly before continuing. “Say some words, or anything?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________Beauregard shakes her head. “I’ve said my piece. My only words are for him, and him alone.” She takes a step forward, and leans down to whisper something in Mollymauk’s ear, before straightening up and stepping back. Nott takes this as her cue, and steps forward to place a hand on Mollymauk’s shoulder and mutter a few words to him. Once she’s done, she pauses, then turns and scampers away towards Beau. Caleb looks towards Keg, but she shakes her head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________He approaches Mollymauk’s grave, and kneels down._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________His knees sink into the dirt, cold and hard beneath him, as he crouches beside Mollymauk’s face. With a shaky hand, he reaches out and brushes a few locks of purple hair from where they are strewn across Molly’s face, and shuts his eyes with infinite gentleness and care. His lavender skin is deathly pale, and Caleb traces a finger along the inked peacock feathers that extend onto his cheek. He bends over and presses a featherlight kiss to Mollymauk’s lips, hardly touching them, and then leans over to whisper in his ear._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________“Please, liebling, wake up as you. I want to tell you that I love you when you can hear me. You--” he chokes, feeling the tears coming back, “You don’t have to say anything back. You just have to be alive and near me. I know, I know.” He smiles, bittersweet, “How selfish of me, right? Wanting you to love me, even when the others so clearly need you as well? But I cannot help being selfish, this one time. Please return to me-- no, to _us _, Mollymauk. I love you, and we need you.”  
Pressing a gentle kiss to Mollymauk’s forehead, he slips the note he’d written into Molly’s hand before standing. He scoops a handful of dirt into the shallow grave they’d placed him into, and begins to cover the gilded embroidery of the tapestry with the rough soil.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________He hears soft shuffling, and looks over to see Beauregard kneeling beside him, scooping dirt in with grim determination. On his other side, Nott appears, and the three of them cover his grave together. Once they’re done, Nott brushed the dirt off of herself and pulls out her flask._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________She says, “To Mollymauk Tealeaf,” and takes a swig before passing it to Beau._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________Beauregard looks down at the flask with that same grim determination, and says, “Long may he reign.” She downs the alcohol with less gusto, grimacing a little bit at the aftertaste._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________Caleb takes the flask next. “Shine bright, circus man,” is his quiet addition before he tilts the flask back and lets the vile liquid trickle down his throat. He winces as it hits him, and swallows hard before capping the flask and handing it back to Nott. She squirrels it away into one of her many pockets and pouches. Snow begins to dust the ground around them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________Turning, he ventures towards the treeline before finding a five-foot or six-foot tall stick, and begins to hammer it into the ground at the head of Molly’s grave. Once he’s finished, he hangs Molly’s ostentatious coat from the top, where a breeze catches it and it begins to flap gently._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________His eyes are dry now, his tears having run dry. Maybe that’s for the best, though. Mollymauk nover once struck Caleb as the kind of man who would want to be cried over; he struck Caleb as a person who would want their memory to live on in the actions of others. Caleb raises his chin, staring at the coat as it sways in the wind. A lone raven flutters down, perching on the top, and it tilts his head at him curiously._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________Maybe it’s an impulse, but he sends a prayer to the Raven Queen for Molly, before he turns and continues on with Nott, Beauregard and Keg, trudging through the snow towards the rest of the Mighty Nein._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________Mollymauk,_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________I know that you are waking up in a situation that is very, very difficult. We know that. And know that while you are alone right now, you do not have to be unless you wish to. Your name is Mollymauk Tealeaf, Molly to your friends, and you are a member of the group called the Mighty Nein. You are a wonderful, kind, generous, flamboyant person, and we would love if you would come to rejoin us. We even have one of your scimitars, the partner to the one you have with you. However, if you wish to have no connection to your old life, that is up to you._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________If you do wish to, though, travel to Zadash and find a man called The Gentleman. Go to a tavern called the Evening Nip, and tell the bartender that you do not have money, but you come bearing many gifts. He will lead you to another part of the tavern, and once you arrive, ask the Gentleman about the whereabouts of the rest of the Mighty Nein. Just say that you got separated from the rest of us. You’re a good liar. Were a good liar? I’m not sure._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________Anyways. Once you find us, if you do not remember us, we will explain it to you. There are seven members of our group other than you._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________There is Beauregard, a human monk, with dark hair that she always pulls up and a staff that she carries everywhere. She can be loud and brash at times, and the two of you used to bicker a lot, but I do not think that it was in a rude way. I believe you two were almost like siblings._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________There is Fjord, a half orc, who wears leather armor and always smells vaguely of the sea. He looks intimidating, but is not really; he’s gentle, but a good fighter, and is clearly head-over-heels for Jester. He’s regarded as the “leader” of our group, though we do not truly have one. You two were roommates._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________Jester is a blue tiefling, and she’s very bright and lively. She’s easily excitable, and is one of our two clerics. You and her always got up to some very entertaining mischief. She blames herself for not being there when you died to heal you or fight with you, so go easy on her, please._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________There is Nott, a little goblin, who has a slight drinking problem, and a penchant for pickpocketing. You told her once to never steal from happy people, and she has taken it quite to heart. That is why you still have most of your jewellery and trinkets. She cares about you more than you’d think she does, though._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________There is Yasha, a tall Aasimar with dark, thick hair. She is somewhat of a mystery to me, because she will disappear for long periods of time occasionally, but she was your closest friend and you love her as much as she loves you. You have known her for longer than the rest of us._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________There is Cadeuces, a firbolg with pink hair that is the newest addition to our group. You have actually never met him before, not when you were alive, but he seems trustworthy and kind, and he makes very good tea. I think you will like him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________And I am Caleb, a human wizard with red hair. I am close friends with Nott, and I was not as close to you as I would have liked. There are many things that I would like to say to you if or when you do choose to meet up with us, so please, please, wake up, Mollymauk. We are your family, and we love you and want you back. Please come back to us._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________Shine bright, my friend._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________-Caleb Widogast_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> i'm curious as to what caleb actually wrote in that letter to mollymauk. wonder if we'll ever find out... who knows. this was my take on it, and i hope i did it some semblance of justice. 
> 
> hit me up @rissa-doodles or @marissa-rey on tumblr if you want to chat about widomauk, critical role, or anything really! i need critical role mutuals to chat with :)
> 
> thank you for reading!


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